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The Post Partum Truth about Marriage

A conversation that I don’t think is spoken about with openness and genuineness. No matter how connected, well communicated, and appreciative you may have been before having a child

Bringing a child into this world impacts a lot of relationships

It doesn’t mean that you’re failing though

It doesn’t mean you’re not meant to be together

It doesn’t mean that you’re not going to figure it out at some point

But I want to say this, there are so many factors that play into the shifts that happen post partum and I want to talk about it

For one, the dynamic that you and your partner have created as a norm in the way that you do things, think, operate, and communicate CHANGE

Not voluntarily, but because you are bringing in a whole new energy and person that you’re going to have to learn and understand so that the union of this family can work smoothly

From pregnancy, to birth, to post partum, the mother goes through so many moments of mental, emotional, and physical exhaustion that it’s hard to understand what’s going on

You both go into survival mode for the first year or so of parenthood while also trying to keep the love alive

For some, this can be super easy

For some, this can be super challenging

1. Because the way you once communicated no longer works anymore. You’re now having to communicate more openly, more lovingly, and with a perspective of really understanding the sacrifice that you’re both giving to raise this child

2. Because parenthood often triggers our own inner child and if you’ve experienced any form of emotional neglect or abandonment, grief, that all resurfaces and can be hard to express and explain when you don’t have a really good relationship with your emotions or communicating your emotions

For mothers, the feeling of sacrifice sets in pretty intense and often leads to resentment

And to be honest, it’s not the child or husband that are truly the problem, it’s because there is this odd unconscious awareness that your needs have gone unnoticed for so long and you’ve put others before yourself for so long and now you have absolutely no choice in the matter and it sucks

Not to mention this new life of exhaustion for both mother and father

For fathers, most men, are physical connectors. So there’s often not a lot of intimacy taking place because you’re just trying to survive and make sure the baby is taken care of, and although it’s possible for most men to still connect physical even under stress, it’s not that easy for most women

So instead of being welcomed into this new world of parenthood with peace and connection, and laughter. There’s a lot of exhaustion, confusion, miscommunication, triggers, loneliness and no one really wants to bring it up because you’re just trying to survive

Once you’re out of survival you feel like you’re just friends and you know your partner but you don’t know them. Then the way you communicate with one another becomes the voice of your inner child because that’s how you’ve learned to communicate to children and you use that same communication with your partner which doesn’t work

And then things just continue to pile on from here

I have this conversation with you to say this about the post partum journey

1. This experience happens more often than not, it just doesn’t get talked about openly because many people feel guilty for carrying this energy after giving birth. When in reality, as humans, we have to learn how to do things differently when our lives shift. Being open and adaptable to change with more compassion and grace for ourselves and our partners

2. Vulnerable communication from the heart and not the ego is essential. When you’re tired it’s easy to communicate from ego which is hard for others to accept. So both you and your partner are valid to have needs that need to be met, but the way you communicate them matter. You’re both tired, you’re both in a new transition and it’s not easy

3. Seek counseling or a mentor in any way, both together and/or individually. Having this person to help you navigate the triggers and trauma that comes up as you parent is super helpful and can make the transition easier, especially to see your partner as someone who has needs that are just as important and aren’t a burden to your already busy new life

4. Finding ways to compliment your partner daily on how they’re handling the transition and how much they mean to you for experiencing these changes with you can go a long way

5. Finding a way to schedule and yes i mean schedule physical intimacy in to your week can be helpful and being open to communicate what those physical needs are and what they mean to one another to still have those met in this transition

6. GET FRESH AIR AS MUCH AS YOU CAN. Being outside and being in the air with a change of scenery is so helpful

7. Having a weekly talk about any triggers or trauma that may be arising and how it’s making one another feel matters too. Even having a conversation about the grieving of the old relationships and connection you had before baby helps too

8. Seeing your partners needs as equal to your own. In a partnership no one’s needs are greater than the others. When you can respectfully see one another as equals even after giving birth it will make the whole experience so much better for you both

Again, these are just a few things I’ve learned from my own experience and the conversations of that with my clients and friends

If there’s anything I’m going to do, is keep it real with you

Raising a child is beautiful, but it’s 100% a journey that comes with lots of shifts and requirements of new perspectives, more compassion and patience than ever imagined

Just remember that you’re all three LEARNING to live life, so learn to have more patience and acceptance for mistakes because you’re ALL making them and learning as you grow

I hope this helps

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