There’s a part of me that feels shameful for admitting this, I’m not going to lie. Only because I hold myself to such a high standard as a person and because I also feel like this is something that I should just know how to do
But seven years into my marriage I can finally say that I am unlearning parts of being a conditional lover
That’s right. Today it dawned on me as my husband is dealing with grief and a few different other things that have really brought a lot of unwanted change into our lives
(To add, I feel this is our season of change in ways we’ve never experienced before)
And of course when it comes to things my husband doesn’t feel in control of, he definitely handles it a lot differently than I do
But energetically, I can feel how things are impacting him
For me, I love to communicate, to overly communicate if that’s a thing in our relationship
For him, he likes to deal with things on his own, communicate what’s necessary in his eyes
So, with that being said, I’ve been focusing on how I can remain in my own energy without allowing myself to always be easily swayed by those around me
And today, I noticed a shift in my energy when I was with my husband. He made a comment about how high my energy was and it was a little overwhelming at the time and in that moment I knew what I needed to do. I still remained in my own energy (not what I’d usually do) but i stop talking to him less
Well, later in the day, we had a conversation and I let him know how I was feeling about our connection in general. He then expressed that he’s going through a lot and he doesn’t feel like there’s a lot to be happy for right now
At first, it triggered me. It triggered that feeling of “not being enough” for someone
It also triggered my inner child. I was saying things like
“How dare he say there’s nothing to be happy for, he’s got me and Xy”
“Wow, nothing? At all to be happy for right now?”
Then, my inner guidance, from a place of love and compassion said
“This isn’t just about you. A person you love is hurting”
I’ve learned a few lessons here lately about motherhood
1. The culture around motherhood can be toxic to the point that we don’t really take into account that the people surrounding us have lives and experiences that we need to still be available to hold space for their journey and healing
2. We can be very selfish in our thinking when we feel we have been done wrong or invalidated (that can come from an inner child trigger)
3. We can be very judgmental and ask of things from others that we can’t do ourselves because we are overwhelmed and constantly giving
And with these things and of course others I realized this
That my lover is a character in my story, but in their own story they are the main character
And often when you think about a narrated story, other people have no clue what the main character is going through all of the time, just what they think when we are in the frame
As selfish as that may sound, I’m just realizing just how selfish I’ve become as a mother
How self absorbed into my own world because it’s been quite chaotic since having my child
It brings me back to that feeling of childhood and not really knowing what’s going on
But as I’ve given myself time and grace, I’m learning and growing and feeling capable of healing deeper than before
I recognize that I want to love more, to be more connected to my feminine and nurture not just my daughter but my husband
I realize I desire to be his peace and be patient to allow him the room and space he needs to figure out things on his own without me being harsh, judgmental, or resistant at this time
Because even amidst his pain and challenges he’s none of those things towards me, he’s just hurting … he’s just in a space that he needs to understand and figure out and the best thing I can do is offer him love because he’s still deserving of that
And I’m more than capable of giving myself the love and attention I need and doing things to light me up as he’s needing this space to grow and heal
This, is one of those shadow sides of marriage for me
One of these moments where I realize that I need to give more than receiving
And that’s hard to accept sometimes as a mother because of not only what I’ve experienced at times, but also because of how the culture is around mothers giving to exhaustion
I am self aware and i can set boundaries if they need to be set, but right now, I’m here to extend love like i never have before
I hope this share resonates with someone who may need this.
Conscious love exists and we are the ones who have the opportunity to lead that change and grow 🤎